Demi.

As I’m looking into the life of the one person I know I shouldn’t, I’m blindsided with a feeling of sadness and anger. How could you do this? How could you be so selfish? Why did it have to happen to ME? And then again, I snap back into this world of you, you, you, and only you. 

Then I hear “the riches of Your love, will always be enough.” And man, it’s so true. It brought me to tears, at that moment in time, all my anger and sadness was gone, without even asking. The stress of school seems minimal and almost nonexistent, the thought of another practice tomorrow doesn’t even cross my mind, and the uneasiness I had only seconds ago disappears. All I see is you, God, and the amazing things You have in store for me.

Thank you for working in me when I least expect it and when I don’t have the strength to ask for help myself. 

Today I began reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In one of the very first pages, he instructed to watch his video “Awe Factor” before going on in the book.

After watching that, I was just completely speechless. Anyone who knows me knows that it’s a difficult thing to shut me up. His video showed our planet, zooming out with each new frame by a few kilometers, then skipping to light-years. At the bottom, you’ll see a picture of our galaxy. That’s just our galaxy, not even our entire universe. Our planet isn’t even visible amidst the beauty of His creation. Can you believe that God created all of that? He did it all in His own particular way. He created the Milky Way, how the stars aligned, the air we breathe.. He even created what each of us look like, down to the intricate patterns of our fingerprint and the exact number of hairs on our heads. That is unbelievable.

How can you look at that, think about that, and not be in absolute awe of God and His creations? He made this all for us. FOR US. I mean, am I the only one who is completely blown away by that?! That is crazy love. Absolutely, completely, insane, relentless love. Who am I to question the authority of the Holy Creator of this beautiful place?

“Many Spirit-filled authors have exhausted the thesaurus in order to describe God with the glory He deserves. His perfect holiness, by definition, assures us that our words can’t contain Him. Isn’t it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate?”

My life isn’t perfect, but it might as well be. I’m such an incredibly blessed kid. And that’s just what I am.. only a kid. It amazes me how much I’ve gotten to do. I’ve done things that people want to cross of their “bucket list” and I’m only 17. Most of the time, I take this for granted.

I have great friends that fill my life with laughter and happiness, amazing influences, great parents, and a loving family. I’m not the smartest person at my school, but I do have the ability to get into a good college when some people don’t even have the option to go to college. I have a house to live in, clothes to wear, water to drink, and food to eat. When I don’t feel good, I have the option to take something to make me feel better or go to the doctor if something is really wrong.

If I take the big things for granted, the little things like that get pushed to the side even more. I’m so incredibly blessed and most of the people in my life are. We live in a free country where for the most part, we can do what we want and worship who we want freely.

Recently I’ve started to see how lucky I am. Just taking two minutes out of each day to thank God for what He’s done when I’m really happy or overcome with an emotion has been a goal of mine that I find completely fulfilling. If your parents handed you two tickets to your favorite band in concert or bought you a tank of gas (which these days is about the equivalent, geeeez), then you would say thank you.. or I hope you would. So why not stop and thank God, the one who is really giving us everything and all of our opportunities, for everything that He has done?

Staring at this blank page, I don’t know where to start. With tear-filled eyes, I don’t know what to say. So many things are running through my head, narrowing them down to make sense to someone else seems almost impossible.

Maybe the first place to start is answering the question “why?” Answering the question as it would seem to me, stating the way that I feel and not holding back because it might hurt your feelings.

All of these words, I write to you with love.

My life has been thrown into a whirlwind of change this year. Change doesn’t come naturally for me. As a matter of fact, I hate change.. & with change comes confusion. I hate being confused as well, because that means that I am not in control & don’t have a good grip on the situation(s) at hand. As my faith has increased, I see God testing me in ways that are so frustrating to me. Most of the time, I let them frustrate me, when really I should just say, “God, you know what you’re doing. You’re the one in control, not me.” Easier said than done, I know.

Being a junior means that college is next year. Next. Year. That absolutely BLOWS my mind. Anyone who knows me could tell you where I want to go to college: Duke University. It’s been my dream since I was about 10 years old. The thing is.. is it God’s dream? I honestly don’t know because I haven’t asked. Being the independent person that I am, I want to go to the college I want to go to, to the college that I think will make me the most successful in life & the happiest in the moment. Being independent doesn’t work in a relationship with God or any other relationship for that matter. Recently I’ve realized this & I have prayed about where to go & so many new things have revealed themselves to me. New majors I should consider, new places I should consider, the list is never-ending.

Along with all of this change & confusion, I worry. I worry about things that are beyond my control. I worry to the point that I let that particular thought consume me & my thoughts.

Not anymore.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. - Jeremiah 23:11-14

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” - Proverbs 3:5-6

Truth be told, I don’t have a lot of time to myself. Not that I’m complaining. I’m a busy person & I like it like that, but sometimes you need to know when enough is enough.

Recently I’ve acquired some unusual time off that his been SUCH a blessing to me. I’ve gotten to do whatever I wanted. I’ve spent time with family, relaxed, watched movies, read books.. I didn’t have to worry about what other people wanted me to do, when my AP questions were do & how long I had to finish it, what time cheerleading was.. I just got a break.

With this break, I also had time to think. I think the most when I’m driving. I would love to just drive around, but that takes gas, gas takes money, & you can see where I’m headed.

So I’ve come to a conclusion. Since I don’t normally get this much time off, why do I speed when I have that little time to myself to think? I’ll admit, I speed.. A lot more than I think. But having this time off to assess the way that I’m living right now, speeding is one thing I need to un-check off of my to-do list. Why do I want to shorten the amount of time I get to myself anyways? So that is goal #1.

Goal #2? Give myself at least 30 minutes a day to relax. Whether it’s watching a tv show, spending time with my family, reading a book, I don’t care. All this chaos needs a little time for me to even try to stay balanced.

Goal #3.. putting others before myself. I used to be a stingy person.. & by “used to be,” I mean about a month ago. The whole “treat others the way you’d want to be treated” concept kind of gets glanced over. Psalm 37:4 tells me that if I delight myself in the Lord, that He will give me the desires of my heart. If God gives me what I want, then why not use what he gives me to help others? Lately, I’ve payed for people a lot more, without accepting their money back if it’s offered. What’s a few bucks here & there? I’ve done things for my parents without whining or complaining about it. The little “thank you’s” that I get from them & acts of kindness & texts saying “Thanks for today, I love you” are more of a reward than I could imagine.

Three things. That’s it.

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” - Luke 6:38.

I hate change; I do not welcome it with open arms.. ever. If something’s going good how it is, why change it?

I read into things a lot, & I may be reading into this a lot as well, but I think because of the people from my past who have let me down or hurt me because I let them in is a factor in why I hate change. Don’t get me wrong, I am so extremely, over-the-top friendly it’s probably kind of annoying to some people. I love meeting new people, but becoming close with them? That’s change.. & that scares me. Opening up to someone new means trusting them with what I have to say, giving them the right to disagree with something I share, giving them the right to speak into my life. That’s change, & I don’t care what you say, to me that’s terrifying.

Change isn’t always bad. It’s what I need to get through my head.

My goal: Be more open to change. Listen to what God wants me to do, even if it means changing. Apply my favorite verse to my own life.. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23.

I’ve changed so incredibly much over the past two years. Looking back on who I was as a freshman, I honestly can’t even believe the work God has done in my life.

Freshman year was an awful blur, the worst year of my life by a landslide. I made some bad friend choices, even worse relationship choices, and I was doing my own thing.. whatever THAT was.

That summer.. I met Britni Nelson. In New York City on the Staten Island Ferry, I decided to tell her my life story. Why? I couldn’t tell you. God knew what he was doing.

Sophomore year was one of my better years. I still made some bad relationship choices, but God’s influence in my life was so much bigger than it had been before, mostly thanks to Brit and being involved in Blue Ridge. I started serving and God instilled a spirit of joy in me that I had never experienced before.

This year has been the best yet already. When I was younger, I never really followed God long enough to let Him give me my heart’s desires like He promises us. I’ve learned to listen when it’s hard to, pray when I’m weak, cry when I’m sad, and to not hold anything in - give it all to him. “Give it all to the One who’s life saved mine.”

I can’t wait to see what else God has in store for me.

My life, as of right now, is nothing more than I’d want it to be. It seems as everything is falling into place. This year, God has shown me the rewards of following him.. and it’s awesome.

So I take this time to acknowledge God and thank Him for everything he has done for me. All of the amazing people, influences, and even the obstacles he has placed in front of me, for it has all helped shaped me into the person I am today.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4.

The leading struggle in my life is differentiating between the times that I need to lead and the times I need to follow. I think with God, this is my biggest problem.

I’m a natural-born leader. I like to help people, so I naturally assume the position of leader. I’m also very independent; I think that I can handle everything, I have everything under control, I don’t need any help from anyone. Yet in reality, I need so much help.

I can’t expect to live a life of fulfillment without God’s help.

I believe God puts certain people in your life of whom he speaks through. My problem? Listening. Yes, I listen, but do I REALLY listen? I nod my head yes, say I understand, but I really just want to do what I want. I can’t do what I want & expect to lead the life that God has for me.

I’ve been listening more lately, following more. By following, God has brought me to many serving opportunities where I’ve met awesome new people. The cafe on Sunday mornings that feeds the social aspect of serving and my favorite, programming team. I love serving with the people I do and watching their hearts for God grow with mine.

It’s safe to say that following God triumphs leading yourself.